Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.