Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.