my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.