If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Cha-ching is my safe word
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The booster protects against what, now?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses