closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.