me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Meow?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.