Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Wednesday
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*