The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
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One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.