Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
British websites use biscuits.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The answer is funnier than the question
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
fair
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?