I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
smartest karate player in the world
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The Assassin.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.