“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
This made me chuckle.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner