Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
men are simple creatures
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there