In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Ok but actually
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.