I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.