My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
August 8
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes