[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I can’t be the only one 😂
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO