How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters