Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Pretty much. 🤣
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for