British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The days of good grammer has went
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
listen closely
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!