some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
went fishing caught a bass
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
men are simple creatures
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey