If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
🏙👨🏼
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something