What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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Oh boy, $150,000!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no