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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.