The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
#Caturday
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.