[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.