Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)