4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
never compromise your values
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers