How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
What the hell happened here.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Sunday
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.