Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”