[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I need to update my racial profile.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.