WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You Might Also Like
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I’m sorry…what?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.