Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.