Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You Might Also Like
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Always…
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”