I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k