[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Is….Is this an option?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…