i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.