Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
#parenting
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
.. do you even science?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.