Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.