I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
at ease…shoulder.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
favorite tropes as memes
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant