Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
PLOT TWIST:
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.