[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?