Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I have never related to a cat more
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.