“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Danger is very dangerous
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
😍😂🥰😂😍
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
New Tinder profile.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
this article brought to you by lions
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line