Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.