I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
What a year we’ve had this week.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Day 2 of my diet