Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
found this cool rock hiking today
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Godspeed, John Glenn
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Damn what did I do next