“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
presenting your incognito window wrapped