This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
just left a huge legacy in there
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.