[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Happy Star Wars day!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.