WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool